I used Common’s “Retrospect For Life” in a Philosophy paper about abortion, and for the first time in a long time, I enjoyed writing something. In finding empowerment in the few empty compliments, I quickly became burdened with the sadness of the repercussions and realization that their intentions were fueled by one sexual motivation.Īs I dived further into hip-hop, I realized that I could channel it into my studies to stand out from my classmates in a way that was innovative and authentically me. The second verse of the song, which describes a stripper who quickly felt the empowerment she felt in her career morph into overwhelming sadness, felt strangely similar to me. A lot of those guys come to me today asking me to review their music, but I never forgot the things they said. I always felt like the ugly duckling out of my friends, so to finally be seen as attractive to them was a new feeling. In reality, I was like putty to them because I finally had some sort of validation. Boys spread rumors about me, accusing me of doing things. “I’m just a soul whose intentions are good, oh lord, please don’t let me be misunderstood.” And yet, I was. The chorus, which was originally written by The Animals, described the frustration that I felt in every decision I made. That was how I discovered Common’s “Misunderstood”, and finally realized the way that I had always felt, whether it was in my school or my family or my social group. I started with lists of the best hip-hop songs of all time and started to dive deeper into those artists. After that, I researched artists like J Dilla and Common. However, he played one song that caught my attention and had captivated me instantly. Music was his identity, and because he couldn’t stand what I was listening to, we had nothing to bond over. His vast knowledge of music was intimidating, especially as I was going through my shitty teenage phase that caused a rift in our relationship. He used to mix in old-school artists like Mos Def and Busta Rhymes into his eclectic variety of music. I’ve mentioned in older posts that I discovered hip-hop through my older brother. That was when I discovered hip-hop, and I found a new side to my personality. I liked to dress up and wear make-up, and for that, I was constantly slut-shamed and underestimated. I was amazing at balancing work and play, a skill I took with me to college, but that didn’t seem to be acceptable where I was. I worked my ass off and always got my assignments completed, but everything seemed to be extra difficult for me, especially given my lack of preparation from my shitty middle school. Everything came easy to him, and if he actually put in the work and applied himself, he was a force to be reckoned with. I was lucky because I had my older brother who had previously gone through it, but we were very different as students. I was involved in a program that was extremely rigorous and challenging, and I felt like I was nothing compared to my classmates. That had its pros and its cons, but it made it difficult to relate to those around me. I tried to be friends with everyone and had some amazing, close friends, but I never found that I belonged to one particular group. So given my lack of credibility on the subject matter, I decided to write something less analytical and a bit more intimate, especially since music has always been my way of dealing with my emotional turmoil. Despite discussing these issues and how they’re prevalent in the genre, we still don’t discuss the lack of solutions and dangerous coping mechanisms. Secondly, I think that this topic has been covered so many times, although not enough awareness has been raised. It doesn’t make a lot of sense, and I find myself being quite hypocritical when it comes to my own sanity. I am too anxious to go to a therapist, and yet I advocate for better and more accessible mental health practices in the US. I choose to ignore my random nervous ticks and mood swings, finding that it’s the easiest way to cope. First of all, I’m the last person on Earth who should be talking about mental health. I’ve always wanted to write some sort of post focusing on mental health and hip-hop, but a few things have held me back. Whenever words have failed me, hip-hop was there to give me a voice.
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